Lonely vibes can hit us at any moment during our lives and can be for a multitude of reasons.
At this time of the year especially in the northern hemisphere the darker days and nights can be at the root of it. Over this side of the world up in the tropics, monsoon type rain can also keep people indoors too much. And then the recent holiday period can also cause a lot of people to feel lonely.
Regardless of what many people think, loneliness isn’t just a problem for single people or those living alone. It can be experienced by someone in a relationship and even if we are surrounded by friends.
A relationship that needs an overhaul can cause us to feel lonely
As life progresses and especially if we’ve had children, our relationship can become stale. We may have gotten into bad habits and developed routines that lack connection, not just sexually but intellectually and emotionally. This doesn’t happen intentionally, it tends to develop unconsciously until we bring our awareness to it.
We may have forgotten how to focus on each other and our relationship. Feeling misunderstood, not listened to and like we’ve lost touch with each other. All of this can cause us to feel lonely even in a relationship.
Friendships that we’ve outgrown can also be a cause of loneliness
We all reach different stages of life at different times. This means we might change but our friends don’t.
You might have had a career change or started a business and your friends haven’t. Possibly you’ve married and your friends are still single. A relationship might have ended and your friends are all still happily attached. And then of course having children completely changes our perspective on so many things. This might mean that you no longer see eye to eye like you used to.
Then there is midlife and all the changes that happen during this time. Needless to say this also occurs at different ages for all of us. Some go through it sooner than others. Your values may shift, whereas your friends haven’t yet and might not do for a long time if ever at all.
What this doesn’t mean is that you can’t be friends with them anymore. But you might find the friendships lacking and want more. You may even feel like you no longer belong with that circle of friends even though you still enjoy their friendship.
And then of course, we have really good friends who are close and leave town to set up home thousands of miles away. We might shift area ourselves and even start living in a remote area too. These can all be triggers for those lonely vibes.
Single introverts and people living alone can be hardest hit
Introverts love their own company, I should know I’m one of them. But having been single for fifteen years before finally partnering in my 50s, I also recognise that spending too much time alone can bring lonely feelings. During midlife, it can hit us even harder.
Add to that living alone, then you have a recipe for loneliness. Particularly if you don’t consciously do activities to counteract that.
I think it’s important to stay mindful of our single friends, especially those who live alone at any stage of life. Make time to stay in touch and connect regularly. We can all become consumed by our own lives and think that it needs to be equal reaching out. But introverts especially are the least likely to reach out. You have no idea if a friend is struggling unless you get in touch. And it’s often the strongest and most independent that struggle, and they won’t contact you.
Changing work or careers is another trigger
For many of us we find our friends and build community through work. If we change jobs, then we can lose that sense of connection, depending on the culture of our new workplace. And if you move cities too, there can be an even bigger impact.
I know from personal experience, there are always good intentions to stay in touch. Some do and some don’t. In my case, I also moved from a small village to a city. Luck was on my side because I ended up working with some fabulous people. But I was still lonely in the evenings, until I found a way to build a social life for myself.
As we age, we can be more vulnerable to lonely feelings
Through the ageing years, and I’m talking about aged 50 upwards, we can experience a lot of loss. Parents, partners, friends pass away. And sadly some couples also experience the loss of children. Ill health or redundancy can cause early retirement too.
As we move into retirement, if we haven’t made plans to replace our work with something meaningful. To join groups or participate in activities we enjoy, then loneliness can hit us before we realise it. Because work was more often than not one of the ways we experienced a sense of connection and belonging.
And then of course, we can also lose interest in the work we used to love. We still want to work, but have absolutely no idea what we want to do. Being without work we love can cause us to feel lonely.
But it isn’t all doom and gloom. There are so many ways we can nip those lonely vibes in the bud. Here’s a few I’ve become aware of personally:
First of all identify whether it’s loneliness or not
We need to clarify what we’re feeling and allow ourselves to feel it. Loneliness can sometimes feel like a lost feeling or like something is missing. It can also be a feeling of sadness, like there’s a void or like you don’t belong, You might feel misunderstood or like you don’t fit in. And you may even just feel down and alone.
Enquire into what’s changed in your life to bring about this feeling
Reflect back on when the feeling began and notice what changed in your life that triggered those feelings. Did you have a friend leave or have you changed or left your job. Are you going through menopause, midlife transition, or have you moved area. Maybe you’re just tired of being single and questioning whether you will ever meet anyone. Find what the trigger is for you.
Look for ways to bring back that sense of real connection
Usually loneliness is linked to a lack of connection or belonging. Maybe we need physical touch or want to feel loved and a sense of joy. Take your relationship for instance, if you’re in one.
I’m personally in a live in relationship now and due to get married this year. But we’ve been together for 8 years and I can sense when we need to work on our connection. And this goes far deeper than physical connection. It’s so easy to get into daily habits that don’t serve the relationship well.
Making time to eat dinner together at the table. Make space for depth of conversation where you really listen to each other, instead of chatting over your shoulder when you’re both on the move. Have date night once each week and it doesn’t have to cost money. Sometimes we just take a picnic to the beach or the park. Card games to ignite conversation really help bring back connection too and learn about each other like you might not have before. Learning something together like dancing or a game is a great way to bring back connection.
Find that sense of connection through work
Look for ways to create community at work if you don’t have it already. Many work places organise times to gather socially. But if yours doesn’t, then organise get togethers yourself. If there is one person in particular that you feel connection with ask them to coffee or for a drink after work.
I actually work alone at home so can feel lonely and isolated at times. Recently we adopted a little dog called Squizzy. She’s six years old, but the amount of connection I feel just having her around is beautiful. Squizzy makes me laugh multiple times a day. Having a little dog will also make sure you get daily exercise too, which is a great uplifter.
Adopting a dog can also be wonderful in retirement. Or helping out at the local dog homeless shelter can fill the void and help us feel that sense of connection.
Look for ways to connect when your work is done
Having a job that is a bit more solitary, retirement, job changes or relocation can mean that you lack connection in your life. These can all be triggers for loneliness and it’s where you need to find other ways to feel that sense of belonging.
Brene Brown says that a true sense of belonging is felt when we belong to ourselves first. To me this means connecting to our true selves through understanding ourselves. It’s only by self exploration that we can reach this place. Not only does it give us that true sense of belonging but also helps us see what types of connections we’re looking for.
Understanding your values, qualities, strengths. Exploring your passions and interests helps you see what kind of groups or communities might be suitable for what you’re looking for.
Instigate community if there isn’t one that’s suitable
Once you’ve identified a group that you’d like to be part of, then reach out. And if there isn’t a suitable community that gathers regularly, then instigate one. You will never know if you don’t give it a go.
Maybe it’s a community where you can volunteer for a cause. Possibly one where you can practice a skill or interest or simply to socialise.
Just recently I decided to reach out to the group of women I did my last yoga teacher training with. The practice of yoga is something we are all passionate about, so there is a likemindedness between us. Interestingly enough, they all said “yes please” and were very keen! One lady actually said she was thinking about reaching out too.
You might be pleasantly surprised
Once we know ourselves well we gain a good sense of self connection. It also brings the confidence to reach out when we need to. Even more than this, we become more aware of potential communities that might suit us well. And if you join one or instigate one, you might be pleasantly surprised just like I was. Then kick those lonely vibes in the butt.
There is also the added option of joining a likeminded group that is professionally brought together for you. And if you’re all joining for similar reasons there will be a likemindedness anyway. Maybe more so than you’ve ever felt before. In fact, there are a multitude of groups like this available.
HER Rediscovery kicks off for the final time in March 2025. And if you are in middle life or the years beyond, this might be the perfect group for you. We also do all the self exploration work in this program, and we build a great sense of community each time. If you would like to see if this program or coaching is the right group for you, Book Your Initial Connect Call Here.